brian chernicky.com

predator 3

hey hollywood! here's an idiot proof guide to making predator 3.

In Hollywood, the word "franchise" is the new goal for every single film made.

Well, you guys have a great franchise already that you are not using: Predator. Box office receipts for Predator 2 and Alien Vs. Predator got you down? Don't worry, because the world hates those films. You messed up when you green-lit them.

But cheer up Hollywood, because today I will rescue yet another one of your doomed franchises for you. As with the Alien franchise I rescued for you with my Alien 5 treatment, let's look at the honest PROBLEMS with the Predator franchise, and then I'll give you the SOLUTIONS to these problems. At this point you at least have the option to make a profitable, intelligent, and worthy standalone Predator sequel.

1. Everyone loves the first film, everyone hates the rest of them.

Don't take my word for it. Compare the ratings for these films at both RottenTomatoes.com and imdb.com:

Hollywood, this is what we call a downward trend in quality control. It's obvious that you've taken the series down the wrong path.

Solution:
Get the first film's director back.

Get the original Predator's John McTiernan to return as director for Predator 3, and let him choose the writers. He's made some bad films lately, but at least he "got" Predator.

2. Predator 2 was a boring re-hash of the first film.

While there was a somewhat satisfying ending, Predator 2 was essentially a boring re-hash of the first film.

Solution:
Set the film in an entirely different, new location.

Make an exciting movie that is completely different from the first one, and do something that we have never seen before. How about we set the film on the Predator homeworld? In the history of film, we've never seen a decent-monster-film-alien's home planet, ever. We'd get to see glimpses of their culture, their ways of life, their reality. These things don't really have to make sense to us so much as they have to fascinate us, as we try to understand why the Predators are the way they are.

3. In Predator 2, you replaced Arnold Schwarzenegger with... Danny Glover.

'Nuff said.

Solution:
Cast a star who doesn't pale in Schwarzenegger's shadow.

It doesn't even really have to be an action star so much as a believable casting - someone that could fight a Predator. Maybe in Predator 3 they have enslaved a human and brought him back to their planet. This guy would have to fight to escape and must hunt the Predators in his efforts to get back home.

4. There is never enough on-screen Predator action.

The only enjoyable part of Alien Vs. Predator was the 5 minutes of the film where the beasts actually fought. So what did you do? You killed off all but one of the predators right away.

Solution:
Action wise, let's see more Predators (plural) just doing their thing.

I wouldn't even care if the entire cast were Predators. Let's just watch them be badasses for 2 hours.

PROBLEMS SOLVED.

Okay Hollywood, there's your way out. You need to put me on payroll.

Now I will fix the Alien franchise for you. See my Alien 5 treatment.

UPDATE: Aliens Vs Predator: Requiem

I refuse to see this film. 15% at RottenTomatoes. Nice job, 20th Century Fox pricks.

I have read the plot breakdown of this film. Here's some of the stellar things you can look forward to in Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem...

• Children getting "facehugged" and "chestbursted" on screen.
• Pregnant women in a maternity ward getting "stomach bursted" on screen.

Remember how Alien and Aliens were scary films that were scary by virtue of intelligence and psychology - with gore a mere occaisional tool? Well, the new goal of 20th Century Fox is to skip all that and make scary films as sick as possible. Period.

Also included in this installment: more "improvement" of the alien. This time around: it's an alien-predator hybrid, that for no explained reason at all, can "impregnate" people by biting them.

Even though Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection sucked, all of the standalone Alien films were directed by excellent directors. This one was made by first-time film directors. For Alien vs. Predator 3, they will probably just get somebody who has filmed a couple YouTube videos to do it.

Complete and utter horseshit.

© Brian Chernicky
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