I was thinking the other day: if a company really wanted to hire me, they probably couldn't. I'm happy with my own companies. I worked hard to get to a point where I can make a living and get to do all the things in life I really want to do. Quoth Professor Snoop Dogg: I've paid the cost to be the boss.


Which is not to say I couldn't be a sellout. Everyone has a pricetag.


What would it take for me?


First, I would need someone to buy my companies and web holdings. I'd value those at around $400,000 minimum, because they afford me a large amount of freedom.


Second, I suppose I'm going to need a $350,000 a year salary.

Why so much? Because the chances are: I'm not actually going to like working for your company.

  1. Your company will most likely have a shitty product or service, that I will have to market to good people as something great and "revolutionary".
  2. You will probably waste most of your company's money on frivolous shit and coasting managers, instead of on the hardest-working and top-producing employees. I know I work hard, so I'll just take mine upfront.
  3. I will probably have to sit in countless management meetings with boring old white people who couldn't motivate a junior-high cheerleader on cocaine, let alone manage their way out of a wet paper bag.
  4. I also will need to purchase a rediculous SUV to sit in bumper to bumper traffic in 5 days a week to get to your company, and 2 parking spaces to land it in.


That brings our subtotal to $750,000. So to round it out, I'm going to need a $250,000 signing bonus, so I can immediately wash out my soul with cash.


At this point, you either kind of understand what I'm really saying here, or you don't.


In the latter case, you might even be thinking to yourself: this asshole has a huge ego, complete with an overinflated sense of (false) pride, and a huge sense of entitlement.


To which I say: that's not it at all. I know I can double (if not triple) most any already-successful company's income, inside of a year. I've already done it several times, and I felt good about doing it because they were companies for which I chose to do work for, because I actually liked them and their businesses.


So why should I come work for your company?


I can give you one million reasons.